Wisdom of Length

I'm just learning the distinction between Big Hair Metal and Seventies Metal. If you have big hair in another decade outside of the seventies, there is a decidedly more clipped sound to your power chords, making it possible to use them even more aggressively.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Some Excuse

Yeah, hello, Mr Employer? I can't make it to work this morning. I have a bad case of blue balls... That's right, blue balls. I'm telling you, they feel like they're hanging all the way down to the floor here. I'm afraid to sit on the toilet... Well, the doctor says I have to spend the whole day jerking off. That should relieve the pressure. I should be fine by tomorrow morning... No, I've got a stack of Asian porno movies here. Yeah, okay. See you tomorrow. Thanks.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Coming True

I was dreaming this morning that I had a stomach ache that prevented me from rising to my feet. Then when I awoke, I realized it wasn't a dream. I have since checked the online symptom checker and it is not blue balls.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

I'm Sure They Didn't Mean It

Kurt Vonnegut, Kurt Vonnegut, His memory, I want it not. Slaughterhouse Five is apparently based on the author's memory of being held in Dresden as a POW during World War Two. He and his fellow captives were kept in a slaughterhouse that had been converted over for military use - but that's not as sinister as it sounds. Dresden was the city that got bombed off the face of the earth. Over a hundred thousand deaths. Firestorm. People melting to death in their beds. Little children liquified by the intense heat, the shadows of their cribs leaving an eerie imprint on their nursery walls. Wait a minute. That might be Hiroshima on that last one. After the bombing, the SS, who administered the cleanup of the bodies by captive labourers, strictly enforced the 'no looting' code. I guess it's bad enough when you kill everyone, you shouldn't go and rip them off afterwards. You've got to chuckle when you think of how awkward it was to be an allied POW emerging safely from a bomb shelter in Dresden at that particular moment. You're looking at the Germans eye-to-eye, on the ground, and trying not to look guilty. It's a good thing they needed help with all the corpse burning. One character, after spending the afternoon stacking corpses into a massive pyre, had the lightheartedness to spot a little treasure in the midst of all that death and ruin. Some kind of piano ornament. Then he held it up, smiling, for the SS to see. I didn't feel any remorse when they took him and led him off into the woods and the resounding discharge of a Lugar issued forth. It's also a very colourful account of the life of the lead character who shares the author's Dresden experience. Except that this character became unstuck in time and I'm not sure if that ever happened to Vonnegut.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Congratulation

I would like to congratulate Shark Week. By being a singular that has gone into an additional week, it has broken through to infinity.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Waisted Days

I know I can be rude. I'm working on that. In the meantime, I have a problem. How do you tell a girl that you like her ass? I saw one this morning at the corner store. She had clingy sweat pants, from which her posterior protruded invitingly. By that I mean I felt an urge to take those pants by the waistband and -uh- test their elasticity! But how do you say something like that at the right moment, when it counts? Man, life is hard.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

I'm A - -

Nobody gonna kick my forks - Gonna raise them from the grou-hound! Nobody gonna ride my forks - Gonna shake them up and dow-hown! Ooo, it's a mean machine When it has propane...
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

One and One Equals Eleven

A comforting thought for loners out there is that we are all essentially alone. We are all trapped in our bodies, forced to look at the world through but one pair of eyes. It doesn't matter who's lying next to you in bed. Or who's holding your hand. It doesn't matter how many other essentially lonely individuals you can gather around you for fleeting attempts at escaping loneliness. In fact, the more people you need to gather around you, the lonelier you essentially are. I'm going for stadium loneliness.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Extractly

If you want something to eat and you have no food, check for vanilla extract and cinnamon. If you have those, stick out your tongue and drop some vanilla on it. Then sprinkle some cinnamon on top and pull your tongue back in. Swish the mixture around in your mouth for a minute, then spit it out into the sink. Then take a drink from the tap and swish that around in your mouth for two minutes. When you're done, your taste buds are convinced you just had a gigantic cinnamon roll.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Reverse Injustice

- I don't know why I'm even bothering to ask, because there's absolutely no excuse in the universe for your crime. But, why? - Well, it goes back to my childhood. (The other rolls his eyes.) I had this bully that used to pick on me in the school yard when I was seven. - Yes, childhood was a struggle for us all. I'm afraid that won't do. - But wait! There's more. You see the bully used to make fun of me. He called me names when he was beating on me. - I'm still not impressed. - No? What if I told you he put peanut butter in my hair and rubbed dandelions all over my face and shirt for two months while he called me the same name over and over? And what if I told you my victim shouted the same name at me before I cracked? - What was the name? - Doofus. - Are you the kid that used to wear the plaid pants with running shoes? And that had that high voice? - Yeah. - You're lucky. - Why? - We went to the same school. I'm letting you off the hook for this. (Heaving a sigh of relief, the prisoner rises and makes for the exit.) DOOFUS! (At this the prisoner turns and takes the other by surprise. After a short struggle, he gains possession of a firearm and, aiming for the back of his inquisitor's throat, pulls the trigger, causing a loud bang! and spraying blood and bone fragments all over the wall, ceiling, and floor.)
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Sprawling Occupants (Nothing but the Gnawing Down of Size)

The relationship of size to distance. Does imagination also play a role in this relationship? When you are invited to think big, are you capable of comprehending size to its fullest potential? Or are you fearful of such invitations? By merely occupying vast portions of space, an object traverses all distance inside that space. When I consider this aspect of size and the pan-dimensional possibilities it suggests, I always think of the giant squirrel from the Harryhausen movie, The Three Worlds of Gulliver. There are other scenes, too, that help to illustrate size differentials.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Seriously

And I had this other dream, where I was in this dank cellar, tied down to the dilapidated floor, but I wasn't the slightest bit afraid. And then I heard this high-pitched kind of animal noise. Kind of like, 'Eek! Eek!' (With a couple going, 'Meem! Meem! Meem!' ) And I saw these red eyes surrounding me in the dark. And I just thought they looked kind of bloodshot. And, again, it can't be a nightmare if I wasn't afraid.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Straight from the Bible

What is left for the man with no sense of humour but homicidal lust?
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

With Respect

With respect to some of the music we customers must endure when we go to buy something, I often wonder if the manager isn't tying to usher people through at a faster rate, to increase his sales volume over the same time period.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Improbable Dream

It's the perfect time to kick back and talk about my latest dream. This one involves technology. I'm on a table, lying on my back. I'm resting comfortably, even though convalescent green, plastic gloved hands are crossing my field of vision with medical instruments and microchips and wires which dangle threateningly. I can hear them talking. A woman's voice says, 'This one's to make him scream, and this one sends him to the bathroom...' And then a man's voice breaks in and shouts, 'Good God! Look at the back of his head! Are you trying to turn him into the Sputnik satellite?' But I'm still totally at ease with my surroundings. I wish I knew what it meant. It's not a nightmare. It can't be if I'm relaxed and unafraid.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Are You High?

I just had a thought about how the church might be replaced by another institution at some point in the future. It won't be until we develop the technology to erect palaces on clouds. It boils down, again, to what people want to believe, rather than following logic. You can take away the church, but you can't take away people's appetite for easy answers that are full of shit. This would force some new ministry to rise up. It might be called the Ministry of Bullshit and Public Enlightenment. Whenever something happens in a worker's life to raise some troubling, philosophic question that interferes with his productivity, he can write a letter to the Ministry. Once it's mailed, he'll feel more in control of his life and be ready to go back to work. Children's letters to Santa can be channeled to the same mailing address. It'll keep society running smoothly. And it will let people stay illogical without increasing the birth rate to dangerous levels.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Believe It or Not

As a child I remember seeing the weirdest fish. It looked like a miniature swordfish, with a long, serrated mouth, and fins that repeated all along its spine. I tried to tell others I saw this fish but they didn't believe me. I even drew a picture in the sand to show them. I thought I should warn them. It was a threatening looking fish. It was a like a porpoise pup, except with extra fins, and it was scaly, so it wasn't a mammal. In spite of this, it had a tiger pattern on it. And its eye had a mean expression in it. It was no rockbass. It was no sunfish. Definitely not a perch or a pike or a catfish, as are common in that lake. (I mean, it had the stripes of a tiger, but it was way off on everything else.) I don't know why no one believed I saw it. One person said he heard of such fish in the oceans, but not in the lake. And definitely not known to swim right up to the shore. But that's why I thought I should warn people. Maybe it swam in close so it could bite them. And I've checked around the internet since then and I'm not the only one who saw that fish. Plenty other reports of such sightings from others. They took their chances and no one got bit. But whenever I punctured one of my water wings, I was very suspicious about it.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

What Blunder?

Tales of Tomorrow is a science fiction TV series from the early days of broadcasting. There's an episode called Blunder. A well intentioned scientist puts all of our oxygen at risk, to try to help us. He has isolated himself against all discouraging feedback. Before it got to the satisfying ending, an old commercial came on where a man comes home from work to his housewife and shows off his new savings bond. Plus it's a defence bond. Defence is your job. (We started it, but you're finishing it.)
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Can't Help It

Lesbians are funny. They are clever in their humour. They can be fearless performers. I remember how one sang at a club I was in and didn't even need to drink alcohol first. My ex-girlfriend was part lesbian. I'm telling you, I like them. I'm not saying this to offend them. I like them. Especially their sense of humour. And if they mean it when they shout stuff like 'Keep it down!' on a Friday night to strangers, it makes no difference to me. It's just funny.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Wasting My Time

One of the parts of the story of Jesus makes it harder to believe for me. It's that he would have ever been popular among Jews under occupation. Either the Romans helped set him up - in which case they would be reluctant to crucify him - or the person did not exist. I think the latter option is more likely because the Romans did not need the consent of the Jews. They did not need to set up a puppet in the population. They had their crosses and so forth to hold down the Jews.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

A Night in the Life

I don't think I'm boring. Just now I accidentally pulled my web cam off the table and it landed straight in the top of my open box of Arrowroot biscuits, which then fell over onto my keyboard, blotting my screen in the middle of a video I was watching. I blindly pushed the first key and it was the right one to restore the video.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The New David Skerkowski Show

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© 2010. Songs by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Dave Skerkowski Show Theme

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© 2007, 2010. Songs by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Good Idea

I'll be closing my own eyes soon as a result of all those eyelash hairs. The Japanese might be interested to know how I matched the contour on the tops of the eyes. I held the paper up and folded it back where it needed it.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Abandon Ship

What's with Shark Week? I'm sitting here trying to keep an open mind about what to look for in my Google search and I go there and they put this aquarium in my face. I didn't break down until today. I'm trying to think of what to watch and all I get is lagoons and fucking tropical islands and stranded vessels.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

I Berried All

Frozen cranberry sauce makes a nutritious dessert for a hot day. You just take your can opener and cut around the edge of the can. Then you try not to slice your fingers off as you pry off the lid. Take a dish. Empty half the can in the dish and leave the other half in the can. Then set both in the freezer and chill to individual preference. You may sprinkle with cocoa or cinnamon but not sugar. Lastly, be thankful you knew how to cook a Thanksgiving turkey so you'd have one item left in your cupboard as you just came down with a serious hunger attack. After a couple hours, if you still have any left in the freezer, it will have taken on an icy, creamy form, rather like a frozen fruitsicle or a cranberry sherbet.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

We Get It

I don't think there's anything out of the ordinary about complying with your wall goddess's wish for eye lubrication. This is my second time even. It only takes a few hours. I had to tape together four 8X10 sheets to cover one eye.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Free Rabbit

These people who think everything is racist are a bit much. The way Uncle Remus talks? He strikes me as a hillbilly. And Brer Rabbit ain't nobody's slave. He's a free rabbit. How else could he get away with leaving his old place when it ain't brought him nothin but trouble and -OW!- mo' trouble? I'd love to have a beer with whoever drew that slightly agape mouth of his. Such a perfect conveyor of childishly fearful fascination.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Brery Funny

Like I said in so many words earlier, I can take or leave Bugs Bunny. Nor do I like Roger Rabbit very much. Most cartoon rabbits don't quite make it for me. But there is one rabbit that always gets me. Brer Rabbit. That's the rabbit from the song, Zippity Doo-dah. Check him out. He talks funny. And he needs to open his eyes wider to think harder.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Marvelous

Starvation can teach you a lot about the bare minimum of food that is required for normal to active lifestyles. Nutrition finds new sources. I've had my moments. There's a kind of flower I remember eating back home. It had a potato flavour. But I was well fed and merely curious. But those are the kinds of things people eat when they are starving. And it can get worse. Take the prisoners marching off to the Siberian gulag. No more foliage. Just trees. The guard turns to them and says, 'What do you mean there's no food?' And, pointing, says, 'There's plenty of bark on that poplar over there!' Pets go missing in times of starvation. The animals are the first to disappear, apparently, in prolonged military sieges. Then the foliage. Finally, the wallpaper. So I've read. I know it's kind of silly, but I'm proud of my being able to have so much energy when I seem to snack on biscuits or chips for days on end. I think I've trained my body.
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© 2010. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Real Terror

Remember that nightmare I talked about? The one about the Singer sewing machine which represented the fashion industry? And someone had wrapped thread around my neck while I was unconscious and I had just awoke as the machine was pumping away, tightening its chokehold? And Wheezer played in the background? That was true. It was horrible. You ever do that? Wake up from a dream where you are being strangled by some stealthy foe? I don't get those very often, but aren't they something? That there's a one hundred percent bonafide nightmare's what that is. You're in a cold sweat. Your heart is pounding. You can't catch your breath. That's when you've had a nightmare. No other time.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

One Size Too Few

A good scene to have between Yosemite and Bugs (of which I strongly favour Yosemite) is to have Bugs working as a shoe salesman with Yosemite for a customer. Yosemite could flip out and call Bugs a flea bitten varmint when Bugs tells him the store is all out of size ones.
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Forgone Conclusion

Jesus, according to the story, simply told his people what they liked to hear at that time. The Romans were occupying the land and he told them to love their enemies. It may have helped for a while, but the ending seems logical from there.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.